Is It Me Or.... Learning to Ease Stress....

[Psycholosophy]

Hi all... I have a problem that may seem serious, and I need a reality check... I pride myself in my own psychological expertise, have a stable brain, and am always willing to help others in every day life and in sports psychology, but even we need some advice from the outside right? 

Ok this is my issue.... I feel like in the last couple of years, my "annoyance factor" and irritability has gone up almost exponentially. Ok details...

I have always had high standards for myself and others, and always found it annoying when other people didn't do their jobs, or just being surrounded by bad/lazy people.  However when you're not Bill Gates, its hard to just not deal with everyone you don't want to deal with, for the sake of career, social networking, etc....

This attitude has always been in me, but I really feel like in the last couple of years, I am either getting more angry and irritable over the same types of people around me, or, hopefully, more annoying incompetent people have popped up around me. I will say that I did move from one location to another, where my present location has been deemed a haven for more idiots than my previous place of residence.  (No specifics here for obvious reasons!)  So it may be true that I am just being inundated with more losers than I would like.  But then again, I also get very annoyed at reps on the phone, who just seem like they don't care, who hate their job and give bad service, or just refuse to do the right thing to make the customer happy.  In all fairness, I HAVE definitely met a handful of people/reps who DID do ALL the right things and made me feel like there is some justice in this world.

Ok now a little about me for background and personality... (please understand that I am stating all these components as facts, not as building myself up or down... I am trying to be as professional as possible here so I can get the most accurate feedback... if I lie here obviously I am only hurting myself)

- I would not say I am highly successful, but I do not live paycheck by paycheck
- I have numerous expertise in many different areas in which I work
- I am very well educated (easily top 0.1%)
- I have had very bad luck with the relationship world... every person I meet that seems great for me, doesn't work out, and all the ones I am blasé about, I have to try hard to detach myself... (this is for a WHOLE another topic!  but just understand again, that is NOT my perception, but fact.... I know, I know what u professionals might be thinking, but you will have to just trust me so I can get the right feedback... ahem... did I just shoot myself in the foot there?    )
- I am VERY detail oriented, which is a very bad thing when u are surrounded by a lot of bad things... in other words, I pick up on every word misused, bad grammar, bad diction, inappropriate actions/responses, body language, i.e., I am like some CIA profiler always micro-analyzing everyone I meet... now in all fairness, I ALSO see the positives... I do try to keep an open mind "until"......
- I am between the age of 30-40, so there is a little bit of that "let's get this life going" kinda thing...
- I am rarely satisfied with good things I do, where my standards sometimes are unreasonable... but I still do accomplish small goals and get a little positive, but I always want more... ultimate success would be reaching the world with certain messages I have in mind...
- I have a belief that every human being should be nice to each other, with manners and certain rules, and if they are not civil as such, I believe they are a waste of space here on earth… yes things are more black and white with me, very little gray area.
- I am not religious, but I am spiritual, and I live with a belief of a hybrid between many different religions, dominated by Taoism, Buddhism, and Cathlocism.
- I do work a lot for not that much pay as of right now, but I do spend at least 2 hours every day on the tube or videos/games on the computer to relax and get away from every day life… sports also does that for me here and there, although sometimes my perfectionist attitude and competitiveness makes me a little more stressed than I should be even there
- I am as impatient as they come… waiting 5 minutes on hold on the phone, waiting for a client to fumble around on their computer to find the file, waiting for someone to get off the phone so we can get going… I may be someone who values time TOO much, where losing 5 seconds to me hurts… it actually hurts.
- I have a good relationship with my parents, and a fair one with my sibling… neither really affect my every day life except I would like to repay my parents for all the good they have done for me with some sort of real success while they can still appreciate the fruits of my labor.

Ok well there's probably a lot more I can say but that should be enough to get you started, and I am sure my writing style alone here will give you enough clues to give me some good feedback.

So again, my question is, am I being too hard on others, am I stressing myself out too much by expecting others to behave as proper humans should, or should I be able to slide off all the negative qualities of what is innately human, and live on while caring a lot less about others?  I mean, not one of us can fix everyone and everything wrong in the world right?  But the how do I accept that and just pass through life saying it is ok for this person to be doing 10 bad and wrong things and getting rewarded, and yet they are using up as much space and resources as the next person who is helping hundreds of people and does it with a smile on their face for nothing in return?

Thank you!

[SWM]

So again, my question is, am I being too hard on others, am I stressing myself out too much by expecting others to behave as proper humans should, or should I be able to slide off all the negative qualities of what is innately human, and live on while caring a lot less about others?

here is the essence of your problem.

you expect other people to live by your values, and when they do not live by your values you are frustrated or angered with them.

your expect yourself to consistenlty meet your ideals and you strive to meet these ideals, if you did not meet your expectations you would be letting your self down.

how true would the above statements be to you?

have you heard of rational emotive behavior therpay?

[Psycholosophy]

Yes that is correct, but the thing is I dont see it as JUST being "my values..."  I mean, do you or anyon decent human being really believe that it is ok to go around being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, or impartial just because they are having a bad day, or they just broke up, or had a fight, and take it out on other people?  Is that really just "my values?"  Or is it a value people should have to make a better world?  See what I mean?

No I have not heard of that...

[Karaten]

Yes that is correct, but the thing is I dont see it as JUST being "my values..."  I mean, do you or anyon decent human being really believe that it is ok to go around being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, or impartial just because they are having a bad day, or they just broke up, or had a fight, and take it out on other people?  Is that really just "my values?"  Or is it a value people should have to make a better world?  See what I mean?

People believe what they want.

[liza123]

Yes that is correct, but the thing is I dont see it as JUST being "my values..."  I mean, do you or anyon decent human being really believe that it is ok to go around being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, or impartial just because they are having a bad day, or they just broke up, or had a fight, and take it out on other people?  Is that really just "my values?"  Or is it a value people should have to make a better world?  See what I mean?

No I have not heard of that...

Yes, it is not just your 'values'. It is the values that we are taught to practise. And it is indeed normal to have such expectations of such values in others as well and the world. There is nothing wrong in that. As human beings, we do have expectations in our lives. We cannot avoid that unless we are robots. But, the problem is that reality is not such. Reality may or may not meet up with our expectations. So, we understand that and carry on doing what we believe is the right thing to do and practising our values

[liza123]

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi

I 'stole' all the above from another thread in this forum

[Psycholosophy]

Give the world the best you've got anyway You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Theresa

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi

I 'stole' all the above from another thread in this forum

Thank u for your thoughtfulness... and I understand exactly where u r coming from... the problem is, I am not sure my personality allows this type of behavior, ie., letting other "bad" people get away with murder... its funny i posted some different quotes to others, and altho I had already seen the quotes u posted, and I found out how opposite I am of those pacifist thoughts, and the ones I favor were pro-change quotes by like Martin Luther King and some other famous figures who promote change, and how if we want change in this world, it isnt good enough to just be that way yourself, you actually have to go and make it happen more pro-actively... does that make sense?  I am such a type A and pro-active person, I never find it good enough to "just be nice" and hope the world will get better... I feel like i have to do something more.

[Karaten]

Ideally, in a world like this, change will never last.

[SWM]

Yes that is correct, but the thing is I dont see it as JUST being "my values..."  I mean, do you or anyon decent human being really believe that it is ok to go around being rude, inconsiderate, selfish, or impartial just because they are having a bad day, or they just broke up, or had a fight, and take it out on other people?  Is that really just "my values?"  Or is it a value people should have to make a better world?  See what I mean?

i do appreciate your siuation and i recognise that it is not just your values, no. and i do hold similar values as do most decent human beings. the problem with this for you. is you live in a world where people are not all decent human beings.  and other people do not have the same values. so some people do believe they have the right to be rude to other people and some people have the right to be lazy or dishonest or incompetent. the world is not straight forward and people do not walk a straight and narrow path.

No I have not heard of that...

Rational Emotive Behaivor Therapy proposes three fundamental core philosophies that cause psychological disturbance. the following examples are the most extreme but the difference is only by degree of intensity of belief.

Beliefs about self:
“I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, achieving, and lovable at all times, or else I am an incompetent worthless person." This belief usually leads to feelings of anxiety, panic, depression, despair, and worthlessness.

Beliefs about other people:
“Other significant people in my life, must treat me kindly and fairly at all times, or else I can’t stand it, and they are bad, rotten, and evil persons who should be severely blamed, damned, and vindictively punished for their horrible treatment of me." This leads to feelings of anger, rage, resentment, and vindictiveness.

Beliefs about the world:
"Things and conditions absolutely must be the way I want them to be and must never be too difficult or frustrating. Otherwise, life is awful, terrible, horrible, catastrophic and unbearable." This leads to low-frustration tolerance, self-pity, anger, depression, and to behaviors such as procrastination, avoidance, and inaction.

[Psycholosophy]

That REBT does make sense, although I am not yet at a point when I am continuously angry or depressed or anything of the sort... those emotions just come up when the situation comes up and then dissipates...  But then if that is a problem, the solution seems to be "Whatever you see that you think is bad, just accept mediocrity or incompetence in order to keep yourself sane... also, expect less of yourself and do less and achieve less and be ok with that to lower your stress."  I know I am saying it with a slight negative spin, but if you dont sugar coat it, isnt that essentially it?  I mean yes, we can go listing another paragraph on excuses and explanations on why mediocrity and subpar performances are ok, but forget the excuses... I mean in essence, we have to expect less to have less stress?

[SWM]

That REBT does make sense, although I am not yet at a point when I am continuously angry or depressed or anything of the sort... those emotions just come up when the situation comes up and then dissipates...

it is only by degree of intensity, related to the core beliefs above. you will have made rules for yourself and other people that are based around those core beliefs. when ever yourself or somebody else breaks one of your rules you feel the emotional consequence of that violation. the power of that emotional consequence will depend on how strongly you hold that belief and how much emotional value you invest in that belief. the resolving your problem will be done in one of three ways (according to this theory) altering the core belief, altering the rules that are based on the core belief, altering the emotional investment.

But then if that is a problem, the solution seems to be "Whatever you see that you think is bad, just accept mediocrity or incompetence in order to keep yourself sane... also, expect less of yourself and do less and achieve less and be ok with that to lower your stress."  I know I am saying it with a slight negative spin, but if you dont sugar coat it, isnt that essentially it?

fundamentally, yes, but practically, no.  the problems is caused by the intesity of emotional attachment to your rules and the rigidity of those rules.  

I mean yes, we can go listing another paragraph on excuses and explanations on why mediocrity and subpar performances are ok, but forget the excuses... I mean in essence, we have to expect less to have less stress?

in essence, yes. expect less of yourself and other people will result in less stress.
it is at this point that a reflection on "what is important to me?" ultimately "what is important?"

and is it rational to think that what is important to you is important to other people?

to use your own example many people conceptualise mediocrity in the same way that you do, being average and "fitting in" is safe, comfortable, accpetable, and so on. also high performance may not be an aspiriation for people who are content with their lot or for others who find the challenge high performance overwhelming.

[liza123]

and the ones I favor were pro-change quotes by like Martin Luther King and some other famous figures who promote change, and how if we want change in this world, it isnt good enough to just be that way yourself, you actually have to go and make it happen more pro-actively... does that make sense?  I am such a type A and pro-active person, I never find it good enough to "just be nice" and hope the world will get better... I feel like i have to do something more.

No, psycholosophy, I never meant it in the passive way. Neither did Mother Teresa or Gandhi. In passivity, there was also pro-activeness....makes sense to you? Mother Teresa went out and did something, she also voiced out about wars, etc. So did Gandhi.

I do not know what type A is, but, I am a pro-active person myself in some ways, contrary to your belief that 'just be nice' and the world will get better sort...Perhaps, your way might be different than mine in certain ways, we are different human beings after all

Too much aggression is a not good thing either. There must be a balance, knowing when to make a stand, when to be patient , etc....