Transference - how to broach it?

[Confused]

Hello,

This is my first time here.  I have recently begun seeing a psychologist for treatment for an eating disorder.  It's something I've tried for a long time to get so I was really pleased to start therapy.  Anyway, it is 3 weeks in and I feel I've fallen in love with my therapist.  Oh dear.  He's about my age and very funny - I recognise that this is probably transference and not 'love' but the problem is what to do about it?  To complicate things, he is a trainee psychologist and I'm not sure if he will have experienced this before and might just think I'm bonkers.  Of course I'm sure he's covered it in his study but that must be entirely different to it actually happening.

So how do I tell him?  It's hugely embarrassing but I think it must be important to get it out in the open rather than pretend it isn't happening.

Of course part of me thinks I am in love with him, and he with me, and that we should at least have sex, and that doesn't help at all!

Help please!

[SWM]

hello confused.

oh dear, falling in love with your therapist! it is nothing new, psychotherapist and psychologists will cover this in their training, but like you said that is different than it actually happening.

before we get on to how do you approach this subject with him, there is something important for you to consider. the therapeutic relationship is over at the point where a personal relationship begins. any kind of personal relationship with your therapist is potentially disaterous for the client and the therapist. your psychologist will be aware of the damage he will do if he becomes involved.  so, the sex thing is not going to be a good option, no no

the next point, it is quite normal for a patient to find there therpaist attractive. the therapeutic relationship is very seductive to clients, this is again something covered in training, and so your psychologist will be aware.  we are trained to provide a safe and secure relationship to be attentive and compassionate and to enable a person to talk comfortably about problems. this can make a person feel a strong attraction to the relationship. but this is a therpaeutic realtionship not a personal relationship. hope that makes sense for you.

so how do you approch this subject:
i always ask people when they are thinking about saying something to someone, what do you want to achieve by saying this. so, what do you want to achieve by telling him how you feel?

being worried about him being a a trainee, you will give him a great opportunity to learn about himself and his relationship with you. if he is not able to do that then he proably shoudl not be working at this level with you.

hope some of this makes sense for you.

[Karaten]

Love is a positive response to the fulfillment of a need, especially mental, so it is common to fall in love with your therapist.

You should tell him, but certainly do not expect to have sex with him. Even if he does return the feelings, you really can not act on them, and especially continue the therapy together. Besides the legal issues, it really isn't a good situation to put yourself in.

[Confused]

Thank you so much for these very helpful replies - I really appreciate your time.

I'm not sure what I want to achieve by telling him - if I'm honest, partly to find out if the feelings are reciprocated, but also I just want to be honest, and I don't feel that therapy will benefit me fully unless I am completely honest about any issues/emotions that come up during this time.

I do understand how damaging this could be for both of us and although I feel, possibly naively, that I could handle it, the last thing I would want is to jeopordise his career so I am keeping that in mind for when I approach him with it.

We have a two week break while he is on leave (I did wonder if he'd realised something and 'arranged' this - I felt quite hurt by that) so that should give me time to think about how to do it but I'd still really appreciate some tips on actually saying the words! 

Thank you for pointing out the personal versus therapeutic relationship - I hadn't thought of this and it really makes sense.  I can see what is happening and I can see that I have mistaken compassion for love.  I feel much clearer about the whole thing but still don't know how to bring it up in our next session.

I feel I am about to make a prat of myself!