Older men/ younger women?

[Javier]

Hi there,I am new here my name is Javier, from Barcelona.

I'd like to ask, what happens when a marriage divorces because the husband leaves the wife for a younger woman. What feels the wife? Does she feel worse than if he had left her for a woman of her same age?

In other words, what's the attitude of a woman towards aging and marriage? I ask because this happens a lot, and I wonder if this is just natural or what.

Sometimes I feel that society is more tough on women in general. Men are always allowed to behave like Peter Pans, meanwhile women are regarded as sexual objects, like if their looks and youth were their only asset. How does it affect the personality of women?

Well, that's my question, I hope to get some insights on the subject, thanks.

Javi.

PS, English is not my mother tongue, sorry for any spelling or grammar mistake.

[acousticeagle]

oh, this is nice, a man who wants to understand. Well, bless you! *grin*

Much has been said about middle-aged crises with one of the symptoms of males in this is the leaving of the wife of the youth and taking up with a younger woman. I've read many times that men can go through 'middle aged crisis' -while women deal with the fading of their youthful beauty and either develop a graceful attitude towards ageing or rebel against it somehow...and then have menopause!

I think that when people get to a certain age, they've come to a place where their personalities have evolved, and what they've had in past circumstances and the usual life that they've found living, is sometimes not adequate to reflect the personal evolution they've experienced that's on the inside of themselves.

So people usually marry at a young age, have children and assume that that's their lot for the rest of their days. Some people achieve this, and good for them! But others are on a personal journey OR they are evolving without knowing what's going on - ie how they are really thinking/feeling about themselves and the lives they have made for themselves.

Knowing that something has changed can bring about two responses, one internalises in self-awareness, the other externalises and ignores. My theory is that when an older (married) man takes up with a younger woman, he's externalised what's really going on inside. He's got that younger woman to assure himself he's still got-what-it-takes in attractiveness and male virility. He's got a pretty younger thing for flattery, for his confused self-esteem sake.

As to the forsaken wife, it's a terrible tragedy, a terrible abuse on her emotional state when her husband leaves her for the 'younger model'. After all, she's put in all that emotional deposit, given him children. It's one of life's tragedies, this topic of your post. Lives are devastated.

The thing is that sometimes the husband has these flings, finds out it's all been a big selfishly-motivated fancy on his behalf, the affair with the younger model doesn't work out, and he wants back with the wife. Should the wife take him back?

no way

[acousticeagle]

Javier, I posted the above and realised that I had not adequately answered your question; I probably had more to say:

"In other words, what's the attitude of a woman towards aging and marriage?"

I think that, when a woman considers herself in a 'happy' marriage, in a stable relationship, the discovery that her husband is unfaithful, and with a younger woman, has that effect of devastation. I remember a movie from the 80s entitled, "An Unmarried Woman" in which Jill Clayburgh plays the role of a wife in such a situation. Here's a link to info on that movie:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Unmarried_Woman

They'll be a gamut of emotions that that woman will go through. The first emotional reaction could be denial, which is a strong emotion in itself - there follows other equally as devastating emotions.

And as for the younger woman, well the forsaken wife would, I think, have pause to compare herself, remembering what it was once like to be young and have that attractiveness of youth still on her side. Also, an older woman has much life experience and another thought/feeling she could have is that "how would this younger woman feel if it happened to her?" Women have the empathy of their gender, so why does it lack in the mistress?

Also, the married woman has had the stability that that marriage has provided for all the years previous. Suddenly, she's thrown into instability of security - and looking at herself in terms of her own desireability and attractiveness. For some it's a crisis in which to grow and move on. But others will end up spiralling in resentments and depression.

I feel it's so important for the individual to care for their personal self-esteem - and continue personal self-inner growth - regardless of single or married, gender and age. Women could be regarded as the more vulnerable because of their greater emotional make-up, and for the fact that they may be home-makers and not be the wage earners.

[Sparrowhawk1161]

The problem is with society in general I think?

What do I mean?

Look at the media.  What do television and magazine articles tell us as the prerequisites for what women should be in our society?

Young?

Go back about 150 to 200 years in time.  What was the "pre." for women?  Full bodied (Over weight) and wise.  Men, if they saw what women tried to aspire to be today would be totally confused.  "They would die in childbirth!  How could they bring my children to life?"  Woman were much heavier then.  Older woman were thought to be much wiser.  Morals told them to stick to their wives through thick and thin.

Divorce is a common house hold thing.  Just like an old vacuum cleaner.  If you don't like your spouse, get rid of them.  Throw them in the garbage and get a new one!

Because of the media and it's influence and social changes... guys look for the younger women.  If the woman gets to old, might as well get a new one.  Divorce is so easy.  Some paper work and she's gone and a younger woman is around the corner...

Society tells us, "If you don't live up to our expectations you are nothing!"  So a woman grows old and finds herself in a position of insecurity.  "Will my husband leave me for a younger women like they see on TV?"  Of course they will.  Who cares about comittment.  Who cares about all that has grown in a marriage relationship.  who cares?  It's not worth anything!

Good bye aging women!  On to greener pastures...

I think our society is all f***ed up!

[Javier]

Thanks Sparrow, and Eagle, very interesting answers.

[hortonpilot]

Inpart this is a difficult one?

we are trapped by what we expect, what has been , what could be and what we dream of .
In this mess we have the distance from youth and the closeness of the grave.
What might we really do with our desires, in the most practical sense we are bound often by restrictions.

Beyond restrictions are feelings not just image and what we possess or attain.

for sure there can be nothing more lovely than young love  in all it's sensuality.
but the deep love between two people of maturity and understanding is another thing .
Intellect-sensuality -freedom can be possibly found at any point of your life?

Horton

[Javier]

Inpart this is a difficult one?

we are trapped by what we expect, what has been , what could be and what we dream of .
In this mess we have the distance from youth and the closeness of the grave.
What might we really do with our desires, in the most practical sense we are bound often by restrictions.

Beyond restrictions are feelings not just image and what we possess or attain.

for sure there can be nothing more lovely than young love  in all it's sensuality.
but the deep love between two people of maturity and understanding is another thing .
Intellect-sensuality -freedom can be possibly found at any point of your life?

Horton

Sorry Horton, I dont really get your point, could try and be more clear?

[ELADA]

Womens sex drive is at its peak when they are young but mens sex drive is when they are 40-50. So it is understandable for an older man to be with a younger woman and vice versa.

Women dont feel as broken when their husband dies, just leaves or falls in love with a man, as when a man leaves them for another woman. That is the worst thing a man can do to a woman, it makes her feel like shes not a woman at all, destroying her completely. Some women have supposedly recovered from such things but they were never the same again

[hortonpilot]

This may be in part true but not the full explanation.

As i mentioned in a previously partly unintelligible post ........ it is in part to do trying to reclaim feelings of a different love that we have experienced or have known to exist.

Are they real, worth persuing, vanished, i can't say.

Horton

[iNuha]

Monogamy is not apart of nature, its acquired. Essentially, this is something overlooked yet, an overrated demand.

[hortonpilot]

Javier,
"for sure there can be nothing more lovely than young love  in all it's sensuality.
but the deep love between two people of maturity and understanding is another thing .
Intellect-sensuality -freedom can be possibly found at any point of your life?"

As men get older we reflect on the past and sometimes we understand more, so in many ways men improve as we get older .
We also understand the value of things we took lightly in the past.


Horton.