My Sexual Problem

[docman]

We only had one tv in the house.  My dad only watched documentaries on it.  Unlike other children, documentaries were not boring to me.  At nine years old, I was inspired by watching those shows and decided I wanted to become a director of documentaries.  My Dad bought me a movie camera the next christmas.  For the last 10 years, I've been taping my life, my family, friends and the world around me.  I have taped nearly type of situation growing up.  I still live with my parents and I have several hundred pounds of boxes filled with tapes.  Recently after diging into some tapes from the past, I have become obssessed with a few and I am too embarassed to see a psychologist in person about this private obssion, due to the condemnation, legal issues, and the worry I may loose some of my collection.  I need some advice, not just from experts, but from anyone who feels they have answers.

The particular tapes that I have become obssessed with are the          ion tapes that me and some of the kids in the neighborhood made when we around age 11 for an entire summer.  I remember I enjoyed this time in my life and those experiences quite well.  I find it quite normal that we all experimented with each other.  I don't feel any guilt or shame about that.  But now, looking back, I am attracted to this age group.  I don't know what to feel except attraction and shame at myself for feeling attracted.  It was a real part of my life.  Why haven't my feeling changed?  Why should I feel so horrible about this appreciation and attraction for a recorded chapter of my life?

Does this mean I am a           now for feeling the same sexual feelings now as I did then, when looking at the tapes?
 
I feel things may be getting worse, because I have been looking online for other peoples tapes of the same nature.  How can I get help without going to jail over this and loosing my prized collections documenting my life experiences in this area?

[SWM]

We only had one tv in the house.  My dad only watched documentaries on it.  Unlike other children, documentaries were not boring to me.  At nine years old, I was inspired by watching those shows and decided I wanted to become a director of documentaries.  My Dad bought me a movie camera the next christmas.  For the last 10 years, I've been taping my life, my family, friends and the world around me.  I have taped nearly type of situation growing up.  I still live with my parents and I have several hundred pounds of boxes filled with tapes.  Recently after diging into some tapes from the past, I have become obssessed with a few and I am too embarassed to see a psychologist in person about this private obssion, due to the condemnation, legal issues, and the worry I may loose some of my collection.  I need some advice, not just from experts, but from anyone who feels they have answers.

The particular tapes that I have become obssessed with are the          ion tapes that me and some of the kids in the neighborhood made when we around age 11 for an entire summer.  I remember I enjoyed this time in my life and those experiences quite well.  I find it quite normal that we all experimented with each other.  I don't feel any guilt or shame about that.  But now, looking back, I am attracted to this age group.  I don't know what to feel except attraction and shame at myself for feeling attracted.  It was a real part of my life.  Why haven't my feeling changed?  Why should I feel so horrible about this appreciation and attraction for a recorded chapter of my life?

Does this mean I am a           now for feeling the same sexual feelings now as I did then, when looking at the tapes?
 
I feel things may be getting worse, because I have been looking online for other peoples tapes of the same nature.  How can I get help without going to jail over this and loosing my prized collections documenting my life experiences in this area?

hi docman,
some of the words in your post have been left out but it comes across that you are talking about a sexual interest in children.  it is important for you to get help with this problem. losing some of your tapes will be a small price to pay, if you really want to get help. losing your tapes is a first step in overcoming your obsession.

keeping your tapes is the next step in you becoming a child rapist.

we do not need any more abused children in this world, please seek help, if that means sacrificing your tapes then do it, please think about what is most important here.


you asked how could you get help without losing your tapes and being sent to jail.
i do not know where you live but as yet you have not done anything that you could be sent to jail for in my country. get help while you can before you become a perpetrator. the tapes are not worth keeping.

[docman]

hi docman,
some of the words in your post have been left out but it comes across that you are talking about a sexual interest in children.  it is important for you to get help with this problem. losing some of your tapes will be a small price to pay, if you really want to get help. losing your tapes is a first step in overcoming your obsession.

keeping your tapes is the next step in you becoming a child rapist.

we do not need any more abused children in this world, please seek help, if that means sacrificing your tapes then do it, please think about what is most important here.


you asked how could you get help without losing your tapes and being sent to jail.
i do not know where you live but as yet you have not done anything that you could be sent to jail for in my country. get help while you can before you become a perpetrator. the tapes are not worth keeping.

So you are saying that passionately remembering my perfectly harmless affection between me and my friends will turn me into a monster?

I do not know how your logic works.  One day I'm thinking about normal memories of my life, then I'm raping children?  One doesn't neccesarily cause the other.  You have left out something I'm sure.

I'm not looking for help because I am a child rapist or have any desire to do such a thing.  I am simply confused at how my feelings about my experiences in life should change soley because my age changed.  If liked oranges when I was nine because they gave me a good feeling when I tasted them, why should I feel shame about the same feeling when I get older?  I have to understand why my feeling back then were normal, but now the same feeling is a mental disorder.  What makes a normal interest back then, a disorder now?  If I can't understand why it's a disorder, I can't begin to understand why I'm wrong if feeling the way I do.

And no, I'm not going to destroy my tapes or contact the shrink about them so they can run me through a courtroom and try to humilate me for normal, natural, and harmless documented behavior I had as a child.

I want to know why I feel ashamed for feeling the same today.  To tell you the truth, I can't figure out the logic of shame about my memories or attraction to those memories.  I hope someone can help me understand why I should feel shame and guilt for my memories.  Right now I feel shame and attraction.  I know why I'm attracted, but I don't know why I feel shame.  No logic or understaning why the shame is there.

[Shell]

Docman, I can see how Stan may have perceived your post as something that may display a cause for concern.  We obviously do not know you and can only base our thoughts and perceptions on what you have posted, the words you've used.  These things particularly ran red flags for me: 

But now, looking back, I am attracted to this age group.

  and

I feel things may be getting worse, because I have been looking online for other peoples tapes of the same nature.

  Not to mention your worry over legalities and losing your tapes.  Your concern over this triggers a concern in others.

Maybe you could better explain what you're feeling? 

I was thinking that maybe you're not attracted to other kids - but that you just enjoy reminising in the experiences you had as a child. 

Maybe you could better clarify who or what you are feeling attracted to.  Are you simply missing the innocent experimentation in your life? 

When you said you find yourself looking online for other people's tapes, do you mean adult sexual tapes or child sexual tapes? 

[docman]

Docman, I can see how Stan may have perceived your post as something that may display a cause for concern.  We obviously do not know you and can only base our thoughts and perceptions on what you have posted, the words you've used.  These things particularly ran red flags for me:    and   Not to mention your worry over legalities and losing your tapes.  Your concern over this triggers a concern in others.

Maybe you could better explain what you're feeling?

Ok.  These tapes represent affectionate behavior beween me and my friends when I was younger.  I was aroused by them back then.  Now when I watch, it's as if I'm there again, because I am aroused just like I was then.  The events are recorded, so they are the same; but I have changed, I am just older.  Along with arousal, I feel shame and guilt.  But, I'm not sure why I feel the shame and guilt.  I feel if someone explained why I should feel shame and guilt (show harm done), then I could easily destroy the tapes.  Why?  Because anytime in the past I have damaged a situation or hurt someone in some way, I felt guilty about causing that damage and did what I could to rectify things.  But, I'm not sure where I'm causing damage about reliving the same emotions I had back then.  Nonetheless, I still have a feeling of guilt, which has an unknown origin.  I am concerned about the cogntive processes at work that would be a play causing shame and guilt.  I didn't feel shame back then.  But now I do.

I was thinking that maybe you're not attracted to other kids - but that you just enjoy reminising in the experiences you had as a child.

Well, I did see a child who obiously knew how her clitoris funtioned and she was busy with herself in a grocery cart while her mother was searching for something down the isle.  I felt myself empathising with her; I asked myself how she must feel doing that.  It was obvious oxitocin was being released in her blood.  When her mother returned to the cart she slapped her right in the face, on her hands, and then looked up at me and pushed the cart past.  I couldn't help but gawk, feel a bewildering arousal, then shock at the mothers abuse.  I empathized with this child.  When she was being aroused, I felt aroused.  When she felt pain, I felt hurt myself.  I've been slapped before.  What messes with me is why I feel the shame about understanding her affectionate feelings.

Maybe you could better clarify who or what you are feeling attracted to.  Are you simply missing the innocent experimentation in your life?

Well, I guess it's the visual imagary that causes me to know they are feeling ephoric feelings from self manipulation.  It seems attractive in an instinctual way.  It really pounds deep within me, really gets me ignited.  I feel this way about all females; of all age groups.  But if being attracted to age groups can be shown to me to be a mental disorder, I certainly want to know.  I don't want to feel like there is something wrong with me.  Or wind up getting in trouble by refusing to destroy my documtary tapes.  My tapes are my pride and joy; maybe I have tricked myself into justifying something, but I just don't see how I'm off track empathizing with the affection.  I need to know how this is a disorder so I can fix what isn't working upstairs.

When you said you find yourself looking online for other people's tapes, do you mean adult sexual tapes or child sexual tapes?

I have the urge to look humans of all ages who are masturbating, but I have quite a bit of my own material from my own childhood in which I taped.  I'm not trying to download anything, because I know it's illegal and that would threaten my stuff.  But I do have the urge to look at this natural behavior of humans.  I just find it absolutely captivating, fascinating.  There just doesn't seem to be anything more beautiful in this world seeing a little girl in extasy of her own doing.  That urge I guess is what makes me a monster.  I'm not sure why.  But I trust society has a reasonable explanation at why I am filthy and wrong at an older age, but arousal when I was near my friends age was normal.

[SWM]

So you are saying that passionately remembering my perfectly harmless affection between me and my friends will turn me into a monster?

I do not know how your logic works.  One day I'm thinking about normal memories of my life, then I'm raping children?  One doesn't neccesarily cause the other.  You have left out something I'm sure.

I'm not looking for help because I am a child rapist or have any desire to do such a thing.  I am simply confused at how my feelings about my experiences in life should change soley because my age changed.  If liked oranges when I was nine because they gave me a good feeling when I tasted them, why should I feel shame about the same feeling when I get older?  I have to understand why my feeling back then were normal, but now the same feeling is a mental disorder.  What makes a normal interest back then, a disorder now?  If I can't understand why it's a disorder, I can't begin to understand why I'm wrong if feeling the way I do.

And no, I'm not going to destroy my tapes or contact the shrink about them so they can run me through a courtroom and try to humilate me for normal, natural, and harmless documented behavior I had as a child.

I want to know why I feel ashamed for feeling the same today.  To tell you the truth, I can't figure out the logic of shame about my memories or attraction to those memories.  I hope someone can help me understand why I should feel shame and guilt for my memories.  Right now I feel shame and attraction.  I know why I'm attracted, but I don't know why I feel shame.  No logic or understaning why the shame is there.

docman, you have me a little bit confused now,

forgive me if i have come to the wrong conclusion but it does seem to me that you are talking about being ashamed of feeling aroused by sexualised behaviour of children.

i want to point out where i might be getting confused, you are using the words "affection" to describe what sounds to me like "sexual" behaviour.

you have been talking about your tapes and your affectionate memories.

you have also talked about being aroused by these tapes.

you have talked about being aroused by a child masturbating.

you have said you have alot of material of females of all ages masturbating.

you have said that you do not understand why you feel ashamed.

i would like to help you if i can but i feel that we are going to have very strong difference of opinion about your problem.

[docman]

docman, you have me a little bit confused now,

forgive me if i have come to the wrong conclusion but it does seem to me that you are talking about being ashamed of feeling aroused by sexualised behaviour of children.

Exactly.  But, I am dumbfounded at the origin of the shame.  Usually when I feel guilt, I can point out that I have harmed someone in someway or unnecessarily put them in harms way.  Once I know guilt is a healthy natural emotional response to a child "masturbating", I can begin to shape my mind with a healthy and more natural psychological emotional response.

i want to point out where i might be getting confused, you are using the words "affection" to describe what sounds to me like "sexual" behaviour.

I meant it in a physical way.  To act physically affectionate.  In this case, specifically I meant to behave physically affectionate in a "sexual way".  I'll try not to use that word the way I did.  I now see how you were confused.

you have been talking about your tapes and your affectionate memories.

you have also talked about being aroused by these tapes.

you have talked about being aroused by a child masturbating.

you have said you have alot of material of females of all ages masturbating.

you have said that you do not understand why you feel ashamed.

i would like to help you if i can but i feel that we are going to have very strong difference of opinion about your problem.

I'm not interested so much in opinion, instead fact.

I was 11 and was turned on by a girl "masturbating" herself.  Today, that tape produces the same emotional response.  I still like apple pie, like I liked it back then.  I see no difference.  To me, it's a natural response, I am empathizing.  I have a psychological image that correlates with the images on the tape.  I have a emotional state that correlates with the internal emotions of the image.  I see it as an honest and natural reaction.

But, I also feel guilt.  I know guilt has a Darwinian  component.  In other words, guilt is an emotion that guides us into to better decisions so only the fittest survive.  If I had not planted enough food one summer and one of my offspring died during a longer than expected winter, I would feel guilty that they had died.  I would know I could have planted more food and their death was due to not accounting for a longer winter.  That is a type of cognitive process that produces guilt helps me and my offspring survive.

I want to feel healthy natural responses to the world.  Help me understand what a healthy natural response is to "a child masturbating".  I am sure I things will be cleared up for me then.

I'll try to simplify my problem in few words:

When I see "sexual arousal", my reaction is an emotionally similar:  "sexual arousal".  It seems normal I would respond with arousal when seeing arousal.

But, I also feel guilt.  Guilt doesn't correlate with anything in the "child masturbating" scenario.  I don't see myself harming anyone or threatening anyone.  So I am lost as to where this guilt comes from.

Naturally, where does the guilt come from?  If this guilt has no meaning, I can't take it seriously.

[SWM]

docman,

i have a busy day today and i wont have time to make a full reponse to what you have written until later on tomorrow.

i would just like to say that being aroused by a child is not natural and healthy. children are sexually immature, besides emotionally and psychologically immature. for an adult to feel any kind of sexual attraction or arousal toward children is not healthy. in darwinian/ evolutionary terms the adult has a different role to play in rasing and nurturing the children, sexual arousal/ attraction is going to prevent the adult performing that role. guilt and shame are the natural feeling to being aroused by this you response. what is a natural, healthy repsonse to seing a child masturbating, something similar to wiping the childs arse after it has been the toilet.

[Shell]

Docman, here is a bit of reading material that can describe your behavior:
http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/Pedophilia.html

Diagnosis
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,fourth edition text revised, the following criteria must be met to establish a diagnosis of pedophilia.

Over a period of at least six months, the affected person experiences recurrent, intense and sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or actual behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children aged 13 or younger.
The fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of daily functioning.
The affected person must be at least age sixteen and be at least five years older than the child or children who are the objects or targets of attention or sexual activity.
A diagnosis of pedophilia cannot be assigned to an individual in late adolescence (age 17 to 19) who is involved in an ongoing sexual relationship with a 12- or 13-year-old person.

In establishing a diagnosis of pedophilia, it is important for a mental health professional to determine if the patient is attracted to males, females or both. It is also important to determine whether incest is a factor in the relationship. Finally, the doctor must determine whether the pedophilia is exclusive or nonexclusive; that is, whether the patient is attracted only to children (exclusive pedophilia) or to adults as well as to children (nonexclusive pedophilia).

One difficulty with the diagnosis of the disorder is that persons with pedophilia rarely seek help voluntarily from mental health professionals. Instead, counseling and treatment is often the result of a court order. An interview that establishes the criteria for diagnosis listed above may be enough to diagnose the condition, or surveillance or Internet records obtained through the criminal investigation may also be used.

An additional complication in diagnosis is that the paraphilias as a group have a high rate of comorbidity with one another and an equally high rate of comorbidity with major depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse disorders. A person diagnosed with pedophilia may also meet the criteria for exhibitionism or for a substance abuse or mood disorder.

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=273

[docman]

i would just like to say that being aroused by a child is not natural and healthy.
 
... what is a natural, healthy repsonse to seing a child ing, something similar to wiping the childs arse after it has been the toilet.

I disagree that feeling aroused due to a child mstbting is unnatural.  I am up in arms about weather it is healthy.  That is why I'm here.  Now in terms of the natural side, consider what I seem to understand as natural human emotional response, maybe you can find why am I going wrong, because it has to be somewhere in the following logic:
 
If see a human eating a cookie I like, the natural repsonse would be the feeling I feel when I eat that cookie.  I feel I could taste the warm chocolate morsels in my mouth.  The emotional pleasure of feeling the cookie in my own mouth is a natural emotional reponse to me, becuase that is similar to what the human is feeling when they eat it.
 
If I saw a human grunting due to defacation, I would sense two things: the pain and repulsive smell of feces, becuase I can see they are in pain and the smell is obvious.
 
If I saw a female mstrbting, I get the feeling of oxytocin in my bloodstream, because it is obvious they are feeling that chemical.

In all three examples I am simply emotionally mirroring the subject.  Why is a pleasurable act due simply to human cellual age an unnatural emotional response?  When anyone can answer that, I will then feel like my guilt has a natural origin and have tackled my problem.  Can anyone answer that simple question here?

children are sexually immature,

That is a pretty vague statement.  Preteen child mstrbation is considered normal by doctors.  I did a google search of "child mstration" and came to that conclusion.  I'm guessing reproductively immature seems to be what you mean in terms of physical, because they are mature enough to bring themselves to       .
 

besides emotionally and psychologically immature.

Since the topic I brough up isn't about rape and I have no desire to raping children, I'm not sure why it's being brough back up.  The topic is begin turned on by children who mstrbate and why I SHOULD naturally feeli guilty by being turned on by it.

[docman]

Docman, here is a bit of reading material that can describe your behavior:
http://www.minddisorders.com/Ob-Ps/          .html
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=273

Let me remind you that I am NOT interested in raping children, which those links provide information on.  My problem will be solved when someone can simply point out why it is unnatural to have an emotional response that mirrors the emotions of a preteen human feeling self-sexual arousal.

[SWM]

I disagree that feeling aroused due to a child mstbting is unnatural.  I am up in arms about weather it is healthy.

i did say that we would disagree.
 

Why is a pleasurable act due simply to human cellual age an unnatural emotional response?  When anyone can answer that, I will then feel like my guilt has a natural origin and have tackled my problem.  Can anyone answer that simple question here?

for an adult to feel any kind of sexual attraction or arousal toward children is not healthy. in evolutionary terms the adult has a different role to play in raising and nurturing the children, sexual arousal/ attraction is going to prevent the adult performing that role. guilt and shame are the natural feeling to being aroused by this you response. as you have said the guilt about not planting enough crops to feed your family makes certain that the following year you plant enough crops in future. similarly feeling guilt about being aroused by sexual images or fantasies serves a purpose of attempting to prevent you from repeating the behaviour.
 

[docman]

i did say that we would disagree.

The only reason why I disagree, is that the very mechanism that registers the world around me determines what I sense.

If I see a person being cut with a knife, I can sense the pain.

If I see a person enjoying one of my favorite foods, I can almost taste the food.

It seems natural to feel what other people feel when I view them.  If I could not feel what they were emotionally expressing, I think I would be out of touch with the world.  I hear that serial killers have a lack of empathy toward their victims.  When thier victims begin to feel pain, the serial killer cannot empathize with them, and continues to torture and/or snuff them.

If I simply see a "child mstrbting", how is it that the mechanism by which I sense that now causing unnatural feelings, when the feeling only exist because of what I sensed?

I'm trying to atleast get one point established, because things seem to be taking off into to many directions.

[SWM]

If I simply see a "child mstrbting", how is it that the mechanism by which I sense that now causing unnatural feelings, when the feeling only exist because of what I sensed?

for an adult to feel any kind of sexual attraction or arousal toward children is not healthy. as an adult you have a duty and responsibiility for the raising and nurturing of the young. sexual arousal/ attraction is going to prevent you as an adult in performing that role. guilt and shame are the natural feeling to being aroused. feeling guilt about being aroused by sexual images or fantasies serves a purpose of attempting to prevent you from repeating the behaviour.
 

[docman]

for an adult to feel any kind of sexual attraction or arousal toward children is not healthy. as an adult you have a duty and responsibiility for the raising and nurturing of the young. sexual arousal/ attraction is going to prevent you as an adult in performing that role. guilt and shame are the natural feeling to being aroused. feeling guilt about being aroused by sexual images or fantasies serves a purpose of attempting to prevent you from repeating the behaviour.
 

I am asking a specific question.  But you are answering in an abstract way.  Therefore you are jumping ahead with conclusions.

Specifically, a person witnesses another person experiencing pleasure.  Their reaction is the similar feeling of pleasure.

My question is specifically why the person witnessing someting in nature that is pleasurable and feeling that pleasure is unnatural.

You are jumping past this and making a generalized argument about human inability to mix roles.  If I follow your bait, then the subject is changed.  It assumes a "sexual act", not just simple empathy.  That really is not the topic here.

I will talk about since you brought it up, but it sure would be respectfull if you tried to atleast not change the topic of the question.  It makes me think you are avoiding things.

Anyway.  I think you are wrong about the inability for human to mix roles.  Your argument seems to be a fallacy in which can be hit between the horns.  Specifically teacher/student and romance.  Why?  A stronger emotional bond between a student and teacher increases the chances the student get's more attention.  The student then is elevated though more quality teaching, resulting in a socio-economical advantage.  That's social Darwinism at work.  The famous Aristotle practiced affairs with his students.  Roles are not so simplified as you make them appear.

But what about my real question?  Are you understanding it?

[SWM]

I am asking a specific question.  But you are answering in an abstract way.  Therefore you are jumping ahead with conclusions.

i beleive i am answering your question. you want to know why you feel guilty when you watch your videos of children masturbating. i am explaining a possible reason for your guilt in terms that you understand and have used yourself. when you described feeling guilty about not planting enough crops to feed your children, you recognised that guilt was an healhty emotional repsonse to a behaviour that caused problems for you as provider and nourisher of your children.

Specifically, a person witnesses another person experiencing pleasure.  Their reaction is the similar feeling of pleasure.

My question is specifically why the person witnessing someting in nature that is pleasurable and feeling that pleasure is unnatural.

if you indulge in behaviour that is pleasurable for you but has negative consequences for yourself or other people then guilt and shame are the natural emotions that follow. these emotions are telling you not to repeat this behaviour.

examples. if you have an affair with another woman when you come back to lay with your wife your mind starts to think about your time with your mistress and you will feel guilt or shame. similarly you watch one of your videos and you enjoy it but when you are with other people, family or work colleauges and you remember what you have been doing you feel guilt and shame.

You are jumping past this and making a generalized argument about human inability to mix roles.  If I follow your bait, then the subject is changed.  It assumes a "sexual act", not just simple empathy.  That really is not the topic here.

no, at least i dont mean to lead you in this way. i am endeavouring to answer your question specificly. you are not talking about emapthy you are talking about feeling guilty and ashamed about certain actions. i am explaining why you feel the way you do. i am not talking in general terms about roles i am talking specificly about your feeling guilt and shame about your behaviour.

I will talk about since you brought it up, but it sure would be respectfull if you tried to atleast not change the topic of the question.  It makes me think you are avoiding things.

Anyway.  I think you are wrong about the inability for human to mix roles.  Your argument seems to be a fallacy in which can be hit between the horns.  Specifically teacher/student and romance.  Why?  A stronger emotional bond between a student and teacher increases the chances the student get's more attention.  The student then is elevated though more quality teaching, resulting in a socio-economical advantage.  That's social Darwinism at work.  The famous Aristotle practiced affairs with his students.  Roles are not so simplified as you make them appear.

i am not saying that humans are unable to mix roles, however when roles are mixed feelings become confused. in the example you give about teacher student and romance there will be a confusion of feelings. if the student is a child and the teacher is an adult then feelings of guilt and shame are the natural repsonse.

the teacher in this scenario may endeavour to rationalise their behaviour, he will find ways to avoid his true feelings and look for arguments as to why it is okay for him to have romantic feelings towards his student. he may even believe that he is following natrual urges within his body and that he is doing what is right by his natural urges. it must be everybody else that is wrong and other people that do not  understand how natural it is to feel this way. of course he will do all in his power to avoid admiting that he is wrong?

But what about my real question?  Are you understanding it?

this is your question

"why the person witnessing someting in nature that is pleasurable and feeling that pleasure is unnatural?"

how would you answer this question? i am sure you have spent much time reasoning with your self about your feelings, what do you understand about your feelings?

[docman]

when you described feeling guilty about not planting enough crops to feed your children, you recognised that guilt was an healhty emotional repsonse to a behaviour that caused problems for you as provider and nourisher of your children.
 if you indulge in behaviour that is pleasurable for you but has negative consequences for yourself or other people then guilt and shame are the natural emotions that follow. these emotions are telling you not to repeat this behaviour.

I would like to specify something with that example.  The feeling of guilt is indirect.  It is caused from a dynamic circumstance.  In the situation I am talking about, I look back on normal behavior in my childhood as recorded.  No one is hurt by my viewing or fantasizing about what I did in the past.  So why is it unnatural for me to relive my own memories without guilt?  No one is being abused or hurt, so guilt seems to be a conditional response due to a cultural taboo of even considering my own experiences as an adult.  It give me the impression there is some psuedo-science here in psychology in terms with this issue.
 

examples. if you have an affair with another woman when you come back to lay with your wife your mind starts to think about your time with your mistress and you will feel guilt or shame.

If I am married and I have a sx fantazy about a previous experience I had with another woman should I feel guilty about that memory?

I'm not sure why I should.  In both circumstances I am only experiecing a memory of the past.  In no way am I harming anyone.

[Shell]

Question for you:

Why, despite your feelings of guilt and fear that your possessions will be confiscated from you if you sought help for this, do you believe that it is natural and okay to feel sexually aroused by a child? 

If I am married and I have a sx fantazy about a previous experience I had with another woman should I feel guilty about that memory?

I'm not sure why I should.  In both circumstances I am only experiecing a memory of the past.  In no way am I harming anyone.

Why would you not feel guilty about (hypothetically) having sexual fantasies about another woman while you're having sex with your wife?  If you were to do this and tell your wife you are doing this, would you feel remorse when you learn that her feelings would be hurt by this?

The reason people feel guilt about anything in general is because guilt is the feeling of remorse for commiting or fantasizing about something that is morally or legally wrong.

Child pornography/molestation/whatever is morally and legally wrong.  Why?  There are tons of information available to you - library, google, therapists, etc.  I'm sure you've done your share of researching this topic even before posting your original question, so I ask - what exactly are you seeking?  Affirmation that you are morally right by enjoying sexual fantasies regarding children?

[SWM]

I would like to specify something with that example.  The feeling of guilt is indirect.  It is caused from a dynamic circumstance.  In the situation I am talking about, I look back on normal behavior in my childhood as recorded.  No one is hurt by my viewing or fantasizing about what I did in the past.  So why is it unnatural for me to relive my own memories without guilt? 

when you are talking about your memories are you talking about the videos? in previous posts you have used the term memory when talking about you videos. your videos are child pornograpy. if you are talking about the memories in you head, many people will have such experiences in their childhood and will relive their experiences without guilt or shame. perhaps the reason you feel guilty is because you have been indulging in these memories for your pleasure and you have taken an interest in pornography, child pornography and the sexualised behaviour of children. your guilt may have something to do with these associated behaviours and interests more so than simply the memory from your childhood.

No one is being abused or hurt, so guilt seems to be a conditional response due to a cultural taboo of even considering my own experiences as an adult.  It give me the impression there is some psuedo-science here in psychology in terms with this issue.

i don think we are talking about a taboo. it is simply not something that adults take pleasure in, (well some adults do but they are recognized as sick and/ or perverted). it might be a taboo for yourself as you seem to have found a way to rationalise your behaviour but you have not found a way to have that behaviour accepted by your culture.
 

If I am married and I have a sx fantazy about a previous experience I had with another woman should I feel guilty about that memory?

I'm not sure why I should.  In both circumstances I am only experiecing a memory of the past.  In no way am I harming anyone.

if it was just a memory there would be nothing to feel guilty about. if you had raped the other woman or if that woman was under age then i hope you would feel guilty and ashamed of yourself.


i noticed right from your first post that you leave letters out of some words or you mispell words, is there a reason for that?

[Enigma]

Seems to me like the guilt may stem from the knowledge of the social taboo of pedophilia.  However, what concerns me is that you've admitted to looking for similar types of material online.  Have these tapes prevented you from forming and maintaining healthy relationships with your peers?

[Fender]

No one is hurt by my viewing or fantasizing about what I did in the past.  So why is it unnatural for me to relive my own memories without guilt?  No one is being abused or hurt, so guilt seems to be a conditional response due to a cultural taboo of even considering my own experiences as an adult.  It give me the impression there is some psuedo-science here in psychology in terms with this issue.

Think about this. Does the girl, who I am assuming is now an adult since you said you made this video when you were young, does she know that you have this video and that you are using it for your own sexual pleasure? How do you think she would feel if she knew? I can relate to this subject very personally but from the opposite side of you. There was a person who thought what they were doing was O.K., it wasn't hurting the other person involved because they were too young to understand. This person got caught and commited suicide shortly thereafter. The man hurt a child and even though the child did not know it at that time, now the individual is scarred for life. You cannot assume that other people are not hurt by your actions, you cannot know how someone else feels about something. What about the other videos that you have tried to find? What if the girls in those videos have been forced to act in sexual manners on video against their will? Is it O.K. for you to take pleasure from these videos just because you didn't make the video? NO! It is unhealthy and wrong to feel sexual arousal towards children. Please understand that these videos are real. The children in these videos are not actors, they are real people that have been affected in a negative way by the making of that video. Even if they do not know it, think of how they would feel if they did know. I think they would have feelings of "being abused or hurt".

[shadow]

I can understand if your being aroused by the memory itself, rather than the girl. But I think you should get rid of this tape because that girl is out there somewhere, living her life.... an she probably wouldn't like it if she knew you still had this. I also think it might be healthier.  You can find something else that turns you on, right?

[coyote]

I recently watched an episode on, I believe it was Law and Order. In it there was a young boy raping his fellow students. He thought the encounters were consensual because he had seen some porn and in the acts, the recieving partner struggled and was overcame by the giving partner. Yet the way the porn showed it, a good time was had by all. So when the childs victims struggled, he thought their struggle was part of the sexual dance.

As I was reading your story I couldnt help but think of the story line in that show. So many things about your account trouble me.
As a child victim of sexual abuse myself, this is a very painful topic for me. So I had to actually sleep on it before I could comment. Sometimes children do things in which they would consider the other child wholly consenting. But with children its very hard to tell. Peer pressure and manipulation of another child can completely affect the dynamics of what happened. So where in your memories this was consensual encounters where you filmed your friends doing very personal things. In their memories it could be a very different scenario. Also it occurs to me that some of your childhood friends might actually be horrified if they knew you still had and were watching these films.
Another troubling part of your story for me is the lack of adult supervision, that a group of children could be able to participate in this activity. I think most parents would be quite opposed to such films being made.
The story you shared of the child in the grocery store, well masturbation is a normal function for children. we know this. But its important that as parents we teach them apropriate public behaviour. They need to understand some things are private. I wonder if the mother saw you watching and if perhaps that didnt prompt her harsh reaction. I know if I looked up and saw someone watching my child doing such a thing, I would be really frightened and no doubt panic.
I also thought that as an empath, which is what I would call you considering the fact that you say you felt both her excitement and her pain at the slap. Perhaps you could add to your experiance and talk to some victims and share their pain. The pain of surviving the loss of their innocence effects their entire lives. It effects their sexuality and their confidence. And sometimes it even creates in them the same predatorial drive.
I dont know where your from, but you sound American in your post, to me! So I feel I should caution you that even if you took those films as a child of your consenting frineds. that simply because they are photos of children, if they depict sexual activity or nudity, they are considered childporn. Having them in your possession could in fact get you locked up.

[Sofia]

it is perfectly normal for you to be aroused by it, considering it was obviously a pleasaurable experience at the time, and any form of pornography is usually stimulating to adults. however, i must say this - we all have our own secret little fetishes, some, if not most, are outside the bounds of our morals, if any of us were to sit down and think about them for too long we would become just as infatuated and obsessed over them. it is natural [by "natural" i mean that's how your brain became programmed] for you to be feeling how you are..but at the same time pull yourself back and realize that it is not right. you are stuck between your emotions from back then and your perceptions of it now as an adult. come to awareness that it is something that happened then [fun at the time] but now it is over and a thing of the past. instead, turn to normal pornography and your distressed emotions should settle with time. if it helps, perhaps you should discard those tapes...?

you do not have a crazed addiction, you have control over it, realize that, and work through it.

good luck

[Enigma]

it is perfectly normal for you to be aroused by it, considering it was obviously a pleasaurable experience at the time, and any form of pornography is usually stimulating to adults. however, i must say this - we all have our own secret little fetishes, some, if not most, are outside the bounds of our morals, if any of us were to sit down and think about them for too long we would become just as infatuated and obsessed over them. it is natural [by "natural" i mean that's how your brain became programmed] for you to be feeling how you are..but at the same time pull yourself back and realize that it is not right. you are stuck between your emotions from back then and your perceptions of it now as an adult. come to awareness that it is something that happened then [fun at the time] but now it is over and a thing of the past. instead, turn to normal pornography and your distressed emotions should settle with time. if it helps, perhaps you should discard those tapes...?

you do not have a crazed addiction, you have control over it, realize that, and work through it.

good luck

Best advice in this thread tbh.

[Dr. Nathanial]

I don't think I am right full in writing here any thing. I am not a psychetrist but after reading too many simmilar problems and comments of the experts I am feeling my self to be an authority on the subject.

Thanks for sharing nice post...

[ozziemate]

The most important thing that may have been overlooked so far is "what harm are you doing to the child that you find arousing" Even in the sanctuary of our own mind you must consider that the child is real when fantasiing about child sexual situations. That child that you are fantasising about is a person who will have to live with you in your mind for the rest of your life and that child does in deed grow up to become and adult who has to deal with your atttractions. [ in your own mind]

Please consider that what you think to be your "right" to imagine what you want is mitigated by your duty of care towards the future of your own imagination.

Consider the future of your imaginary relationships and the possibility of harm you are causing to your imaginary "victim" as really a form of self harm because if you continue down your "rightful" path of mental sancturary you will no doubt be in serious conflict with society who only wish to protect the future well fare of those victims.

There is no right to effectively destroy the future of someone else with out expecting others to intervene, and even if imaginary that is effectively what you are doing....

Commonly people believe that they are entitiled to think what they want with out any restraint but from a mental hygene perspective this is a very dangerous attitude.
Please consider the future welfare of the children you are attacted to and whilst being arroused by their potential is normal it is the caring  instead of "sociopathy" that makes the difference.

[oujdaboy]

did you talk to you psycholog ?

[wolschulze]

We only had one tv in the house.  My dad only watched documentaries on it.  Unlike other children, documentaries were not boring to me.  At nine years old, I was inspired by watching those shows and decided I wanted to become a director of documentaries.  My Dad bought me a movie camera the next christmas.  For the last 10 years, I've been taping my life, my family, friends and the world around me.  I have taped nearly type of situation growing up.  I still live with my parents and I have several hundred pounds of boxes filled with tapes.  Recently after diging into some tapes from the past, I have become obssessed with a few and I am too embarassed to see a psychologist in person about this private obssion, due to the condemnation, legal issues, and the worry I may loose some of my collection.  I need some advice, not just from experts, but from anyone who feels they have answers.

The particular tapes that I have become obssessed with are the          ion tapes that me and some of the kids in the neighborhood made when we around age 11 for an entire summer.  I remember I enjoyed this time in my life and those experiences quite well.  I find it quite normal that we all experimented with each other.  I don't feel any guilt or shame about that.  But now, looking back, I am attracted to this age group.  I don't know what to feel except attraction and shame at myself for feeling attracted.  It was a real part of my life.  Why haven't my feeling changed?  Why should I feel so horrible about this appreciation and attraction for a recorded chapter of my life?

Does this mean I am a           now for feeling the same sexual feelings now as I did then, when looking at the tapes?
 
I feel things may be getting worse, because I have been looking online for other peoples tapes of the same nature.  How can I get help without going to jail over this and loosing my prized collections documenting my life experiences in this area?

I'm sure that you should find a  specialist that will help you. But you should be  brave enough to understand that you need the help and to  accept the help.