Mindset/Perspective Problem

[Balmung6]

Now, before I start, let me say to please not take this down, as this problem does have a sexual origin, but the problem itself is mental/emotional. I discovered recently that my girlfriend's membrane (that represents virginity in girls) was broken by the hands of the previous boyfriend during some of hot moments they had. Since then, though our relationship is online only atm, i feel uncomfortable when i get close to her, and haven't gotten much better in the past few days, and it's hurting us both. I think it's tied to my lack of experience vs hers - she's been dating on and off since middle school with the only serious relationship being the last one before me and ive only had two online relationships, no irl ones, and thus a virgin - any ideas on the mindset/perspective hangup I have that might be making me feel uncomfortable hugging her as if I was hugging a stranger? it feels like a tight know of uncomfortableness/tension or unease when i get too physical.

[Enigma]

Hmmm...are you feeling jealous at the fact that your girlfriend has had intimate relations with someone else while you haven't?  Or are you feeling inadequate because of your lack of sexual experience and that you won't be able to perform properly in the bedroom? 

If it's the first one, then that's just something you'll have to come to terms with because that's life.  Learn not to worry about the past because whats done is done.  No changing that.  But you can change the future.   

If it's the second one, the best advice I can give is watch porn.  I was a virgin for a long time, and by watching porn I picked up a few tricks.  Remember, if you play well as a solo artist than you'll have no problem with a duet 

[seekinghga]

Now, before I start, let me say to please not take this down, as this problem does have a sexual origin, but the problem itself is mental/emotional. I discovered recently that my girlfriend's membrane (that represents virginity in girls) was broken by the hands of the previous boyfriend during some of hot moments they had. Since then, though our relationship is online only atm, i feel uncomfortable when i get close to her, and haven't gotten much better in the past few days, and it's hurting us both. I think it's tied to my lack of experience vs hers - she's been dating on and off since middle school with the only serious relationship being the last one before me and ive only had two online relationships, no irl ones, and thus a virgin - any ideas on the mindset/perspective hangup I have that might be making me feel uncomfortable hugging her as if I was hugging a stranger? it feels like a tight know of uncomfortableness/tension or unease when i get too physical.

In my opinion your doubt stems from inexperience, as you have said.  You are making a priori assessments of a situation which is completely alien to you.  Your ignorance of physical relations may be enflaming your prejudices and causing you to behave in a manner which others may view as irrational.  You see, before one becomes accustomed to sex and in-person dating, things which are ordinary to a person who does date a lot become taboo.  For example, you say the fact that this girl has had her hymen ruptured causes you to feel discomfort, whereas anyone who dates frequently can tell you that such a thing matters not one wit; the sexual experiences in a woman's past are defunct.  It's a "seize the moment" kind of deal.  Online dating is like fertilizer, it can help a plant to grow, but too much can cause that plant to wilt and die.  Fertilizer is no substitute for good old-fashioned sunshine (in-person relationship).

Have you told this girl how you feel about this?  Perhaps if you discuss it with her you two could come to some sort of understanding about one another.  Ultimately, if any future is wished, you will have to consummate this relationship with a physical meeting.

I do understand where you are coming from, as I have fallen into similar snares in the past.  In my experience I determined that by not meeting the person and being with them I was merely participating in co-writing a script for some virtual soap opera.  I suppose that if a person is interested in a solely intellectual and emotional relationship (eschewing the physical), then online dating could be the means to the end.  But as you are feeling this discomfort due to her loss of virginity I feel that that is not what you seek.

Again, these are just my opinions.  I wish you well and hope that you find the Graal which you seek.

[teacup]

If it's the second one, the best advice I can give is watch porn.  I was a virgin for a long time, and by watching porn I picked up a few tricks.  Remember, if you play well as a solo artist than you'll have no problem with a duet 
[/quote]

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I'm not sure what you mean by this,  but as a woman, I can certainly say the porn often misrepresents sex.  The sex seen in porn is often NOT what a woman wants. Somtimes it is, in certain ways, but not to be taken too seriously.

The best way to feel comfortable with a woman sexually is to talk about it! Ask HER what she wants. Every woman and person is different.

Balmung: If you are having a problem with your girlfriend, you need to talk about it with your girlfriend. Discuss you concerns. There's no way to know exactly WHY you feel that way. Instead  focus on how you can change it. And talking with her and maybe a therapist too is the only way you'll get anywhere. Communicating is the key to everything! AND sex is communication! So it's important to  talk about sex. Ask all those scary questions you have. Voice you anxieties. Take it slow!!! If the person cares about your, they will understand and support you.

[Balmung6]

Update: Still having troubles a month later, she tries to let me take the lead to ease inhibition pressure, but the problem is, i think, that i expect them so much that it cripples me to a certain extent and makes us both miserable, and when i send a note saying i want to chat with her (she does that now instead of popping on whenever she got home like she used to) she gets scared in the back of her mind that i don't really want to chat with her, but i do - the inhibitions just get in the way. It really sucks right now - over the phone we seems better, but on chat...sigh.

Any ideas?

[seekinghga]

Is it at all possible to meet this girl in person?  In my opinion, you have to harvest this thing before too long or it is going to rot on the vine - metaphorically speaking of course.