It's All Going Right Down the Drain...kind of long.

[BAN]

Sorry if this isn't in the correct section.

I just graduated from highschool-literally. In august I am suppose to start online classes for my BA in psych. However, I have recently fractured my relationship with my mother. This damage is more than likely fixable with time, but I am unsure that it will truly help anything. If this relationship isn't fixed then it could risk my future. I have to live with her until fall of 2010. She and I have always had little spats but we fix them and move on. It's just her and me so we kind of have to fix things up. No one wants to feel alone. I have experienced depression for the last few years. During the last year and a half this depression has given way to mentally crippling mood swings. I tried to explain my unhappiness to my mother because I wanted her insight. I was looking to her to help me deal with these emotions and ended up hurting her. Of course, that was not my intent. It feels like my life is slipping away, like it isnt worth the effort of living. I have gone through all these emotions and situations since 8th grade. This time is different. I think the reason that it hurts more is because I am at a point in my life where I have to move forward. I know that I can't just keep letting this happen...eventually I am going to lose something big.

I just want to die sometimes. I can't find anything good or meaningfull in life and to be honest it really just sucks. The advancement of the mood swings is becoming unbearable... I also have extreme violent anger. I just get the overwhelming urge to hurt something, including myself. This is accompanied by the desire to do something radical-it doesn't matter what as long as it is different. After all this has overcome me I slip into this feeling of being dead. It feels like I am disconnected from my body and my mind doesnt focus in on any thoughts. It is like there is no consequence to existence. Towards the end of this I slip into my depression. Since I have no job I cannot afford therapy. I just want to know what is wrong with me...I am tired of the cycle. I can not handle going through another cycle of emotions. They keep getting worse and I can't stand it. All I've been told is that there are some things that you just deal with and move on, but how do you deal with something that just keeps coming back?

[anaklio]

Wow, sounds pretty rough. Hang in there. You definitely should get some help. People think that because they don't have money, there's no help available to them. That's not true at all. You describe suicidal thoughts. There is phone support 24/7. There are social service agencies which will help for free. This help is not always easy to find, but if you dig it's there.

You mentioned starting college. Most colleges provide assistance as part of their tuition, and tuition can be paid for through grants, scholarships, and loans.

I agree that you can't move on given  your circumstance. However, you are an adult now and that provides you many options. Sometimes you have to take a break from people you love or are related to.

[PsychVegas]

BAN,

Life is about value.

Having graduated highschool it can be a confusing time. To start with, suicide (1) ends an individuals ability to contribute value and (2) is considered with rare exception to be a low or no value act.

When I say value, it starts with what you can do for someone else, not with what they can do for you. It is the summer, get a job and get ready for school. Get involved with some groups. Even if value means serving fast food at Del Taco, it is a good start. You will have coworkers and a boss, all that will need help above and beyond simply doing the job.

[anaklio]

That's a good point about value. It's important to establish at lot of personal value when you are young. Get a lot of different skills (e.g., languages, abilities) as these will become important as you get older. You'll need reasons to keep fighting through the pain. If you feel like others are counting on you, then you will have more reasons to exist.