Please Help! I am jealous of my therapist!

[Girl25]

I am a 25 year old woman who has been seeing a psychotherapist for two years. I feel very close to her and have been honest with her about most things. It's still a little difficult to be open and vulnerable with her because I hate to feel so exposed. Lately, I have been feeling more and more jealous of her, though. She is successful and seems to have such a sweet successful husband and beautiful children. She comes from a well-to-do family and is an attractive 40-something with a nice slim figure. I'm straight and I even have a little crush on her. The jealousy I feel is even to the point where I picture her and her husband making love and it hurts so much. I picture her with her children and her family and it also hurts. I know some of this is transference, but I am too afraid to bring it up. I have been struggling with his for almost a year, especially after I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. (I don't think I'm idealizing her because I realize she is a real person, with issues and flaws like everyone else.)

Why do I feel this way? I've made a lot of progress in therapy. I am still young. I am a grad student. I am not married and don't have children, but I long to meet my husband and have a family. I am a good student, I have a good job and I think I am pretty attractive. However, I am so jealous of my therapist. Please help me. This is torturing me. What is this jealousy due to? How I can make it go away? Is it really necessary to tell her how I feel? It's so embarrassing.

Thank you for your input! 

[SWM]

what is so bad for you about being jealous? what do you feel about yourself for being jealous?

[Girl25]

Thank you for responding.

Well, my jealousy is really hurting me. Jealousy can be really painful. I think about my therapist almost obsessively and sometimes can't sleep, wondering about her past, what her life is like, what her family is like and getting images of her and husband. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't have the things she has that I want: a successful loving husband, a close-knit family, a successful career, money, etc. I'm not saying that she doesn't have any problems, or that she's perfect, but she seems to be the kind of person I aspire to be. I love her so much. It seems really weird to me how strongly I feel about her. The attention and warmth and care that I feel in each session is also experienced by other clients and experienced to the millionth degree by her family, which brings about this jealousy. Furthermore, she can walk away after the session and move on to the next client, but I continue to struggle not only with my issues (ptsd, self-destructiveness etc.), I also struggle with my intense feelings and thoughts about her. The relationship is a professional one, so it has its boundaries, but I feel like she can go home and live her life with her beautiful family and I'm stuck with these feelings.

I hope this makes sense. I would really appreciate your input!

[ConsciousPuppet]

Hi  , i hope this helps:

     Is she [your therapist] the only person who is having success with their life? there are lots of people who are achieving good things in her life. The difference is that you know about this one. The reason you feel envy might be because you see something you like, that you know is not easily achieved, and you want it. Nothing wrong with that. But every time you think about her, keep your perception of her life real, her happiness didn't grow on a tree.

     Will you focus more on your life, or in the life of others? I think its great that you have found a rolemodel to follow, but remember that she earned what she has now [part of life ALWAYS has to do with "luck" too]. She's 40, you're 25, remember that you don't have to be at your age what she has become at her age. You know you are young, give your self time to develop and find a way [learning, practicing, studying, traveling, exposition] to feel that your self is growing. As you expand your life you will meet people, make new friends, and also different men.
 
     I suggest that you focus on getting your life back on track [psychologically] which you seem to be doing [u said therapy is helping]. You broke up with your BF, do all the crying you need, and move on. If the relationship didn't end how you would have wanted to, talk to him and try to fix how things ended. If you tried and he didn't listen, let HIM carry the burden, You did your part. If its backwards, go apologize and end it in a social/ civilized manner.

[Girl25]

Hi! Thanks so much. This was really helpful!

[acousticeagle]

Yes, unfortunately, it is transference you're describing. I think you long for a successful life, one with a nurturing spouse and children to make you happy. If you are in therapy then you are there for past problems. Is your therapist helping you successfully with those past problems? Is she merely listening and not having a lot of input on your situation? Remember, she is a human being too, with her own problems (everyone has them and no one is immune) and she is not likely to discuss her personal life with you, that, of course, would be unprofessional.

It might be time for a change of therapist, after all we grow and move on. The good thing about this is you are recognising the problem. Envy is a difficult emotion because it is closely tied in with feelings of shame and guilt. But it is not good to continue in the presence of someone with sexual fantasies. Sounds like you are longing for love. Everyone needs love and ears to listen to our problems. We all need the nurturers in our lives. One way to get the love that one needs is to pursue the right kind of 'self love' - to love and nurture ourselves first to then build up our sense of self worth.

Your need is to be loved and valued, and it sounds like a deep need. You sound like you have a lot of love to give as well, but this must be healthy love. Potential boyfriends might be put off by girls that give out the vibes that they are needy. Needy people sometimes end up with the wrong partners, people that abuse them, because they will compromise in their neediness.

As people go get help for their physical health, they will neglect their emotional health. You're in the right area by continuing in therapy. But it is not good to continue to have these thoughts about this therapist. I would suggest you watch the dvd series 'In Treatment'. In that you might be able to see the 'transference' symptom.

Envy is a normal part of the human psych. But it's what you do with that envy that may well make or break you. Envy of others should fuel us to pursue our own live's goals, and to pursue good emotional well-being.

I think it's great that you've been so honest in discussing your problem.

[Psychdigg]

Is jealousy the right term?  Jealousy is concern about losing something you have.  Envy is wanting something someone else has.  It sounds like you envy your therapist.  Envy is a normal emotion since the world is full of inequities.  Life is NOT fair and it hurts sometimes to see others have things so nice.

You mentioned OCD.  A person with OCD can turn anything into an "obsession".  So you probably should approach your "envy" problem as another obssesive thought.  Discuss it with your therapist.  Sounds like something she could help you with.

Obsessions can take the form of self sentences such as  "I should have my share of nice things in life and it's terrible when I don't."

[Liliflower]

Hello, I was just reading through some forums and this one caught my attention. It seems by your text that you are recognizing your strengths as well as what you feel your therapists strenghts are as well. At least you realize that you feel attractive even though you might feel your therapists is too. But I was paying close attention to how you worded your text and if you notice it was not so much like, "I am so jealous, she is so perfect, her hair, her clothes, the way she talks..." I do not feel it is extreme that you 'want' to be her. You more talk about her 'lifestyle,' maybe one that you are striving for, especially achieving what you have today and progressing in your masters degree. I do feel it is important that you address the situation in your sessions because unless you have a good rapor with your therapist, you are not fully integreted into changing as you will be too focused or 'distracted,' by her and the akward feeling you claim to have. If it makes you feel better, you may want to start of by telling her the feelings you have about a 'friend,' which of course is your therapist herself. If things do not get better, then it is important for you to tell her. Do not fear because in our schooling of psychology, we learn about how important it is to connect with our patients and especially how much of an impact we might have on them and how little impact if we do not allow them to feel comfortable. Good luck, but hopefully this will help you. Speaking from someone who is very familiar with OCD, I have learned that when obsessive thoughts are present, I try to think of them in a 'different,' way such as you might view her as a friend who you care much about and is helping you get to that life you desire in other people but which is also VERY applicable to you. Hope this helps.

[Liliflower]

Just quick note, in my earlier forum I left out a word that changed the meaning of what I was saying so to clarify, I meant I do not think it is to the extreme point that you want to be her from what it sounds like.

[Zepher08]

I am just adding on to what has been said because some really good points have been made.


from what I have learned and in the way I have developed I learned that focusing on self can be very hard if ones self doesn't match the ideal. Then when the fantasy ideal appears i am triggered into a response the the other person has more , better than myself.

I also found that understanding what other people have , such as quality and healthy self connection or any thing that represents empowerment can actually work on my behalf / on your behalf.

What I am jealous of in others is most often if not always aspects of myself that remain unknown.. with in the unconscious. Same thing with things one hates... what I hate about myself is a disowned aspect of myself.

I say explore the qualities that you are jealous of. It is more possibler that those will qualities are a future development. Trying to hurry it up doesn't work. Use this experience to insight your conscious self to the unconscious self.

[PatrickFitzgerald]

Hi,

What jumped out for me from your posting was, was length in therapy, honesty and vulnerability, transference and comparing (fantasy).

On the topic of length in therapy, 
Have ye started to explore where your deep fear of exposing yourself to the emotion of vulnerability emanated from and how you may have developed self-defeating compensating behaviours. 
This is applicable, especially if we develop these strategies(Adler), (ego defense.Freud) at a young age (e.g. experiences in the home/family/(world/neighborhood environment, abuse(physical, mental, sexual, emotional, financial neglect), when our cog-development is limited (Zygotsky/Piagett/Erikson). 

Melanie Klein (Object Relation Theory and Piagett (Object Permanence Theory), theorised that maybe when we were younger that some one that we viewed as important left our lives (e.g. as babies when Mum/Dad leaves the room we (cog-development) don't understand that they will/should return and we get emotionally upset, we believe at that age that they just "disappeared" from our lives and that our very existence is threatned)

These strategies then become imprinted in our sub-conscious(Private Logic. Adler), and we develop defense mechanisms as ways to deal with emotions that our underdeveloped mind can't cope with. (if we experience these things a an underdeveloped age, our response will also be thought out from a childs understanding)
 And on and on we go through life, reacting to situations automatically, ending up with the same outcomes (e.g. relationships "why do my relationships always end up a certain way" Why am I always attracted to the same type of person" either being treated badly or rejecting the other person, when they get too close).

Carl Rogers (1951) coined the term "conditional positive regard"(e.g. your a good girl if you do/achieve, this that or the other).
According to Rogers, what we should have experienced is "unconditional positive regard"(e.g. you're a good/loved person anyway, the results don't matter: we love you anyway, we are proud of the effort, do you feel good about your efforts etc.). Then, If the person hasn't put in the effort then they can take responsibility for not getting the grade/doing well etc.

So on we go through life seeking this "positive regard" from those we encounter (particularly if we view these people as being in positions of authority/respect (back to our younger experiences and our imprinted coping mechanisms). 
This reaction can also be triggered if we fear people in authority (parents, priests. gardai/kops, forceful shop assistants, bossy partners, basically anyone that presents as being in authority (or we feel is in authority.

I hope you are getting the idea of what I am trying to say.  You probably know all this stuff anyway.
I don't know if any of what I have covered even applies to your situation and am not suggesting that it does.

Therapists are well trained (hopefully) and will be aware of transference.  BUT, Therapists are human too and can only deal with a client as they present and talk about what the client brings up.

If a Therapist feels that a client is extremely vulnerable, it may take a long time before the Therapist feels the client is able to confront these deeply rooted (CORE BELIEFS (Ellis R.E.B.T. and Ego Disturbance of Global Negative Ratings and self-damnation if I don't meet my own expectations and my lack of Universal Self-Acceptance)

Until that time is right, it will be very hard to expect change in your learned behaviour, as, change our feeling, we can change our thinking and therefore our behaviour. Change our thinking, we can change our feeling and therefore our behaviour.  Change these three around anyway and you will get CHANGE.

Being honest and feeling embarrassed and getting over this with your Therapist can be hard but you have stated that you have a good relationship with your Therapist.

Consider the feeling of the embarrassment when you disclose your feelings to the Therapist.
How long will it last, 10 minutes, maybe 15, maybe even a day.
Now consider how long that feeling will last, if you don't. 
Will it last a day, a month, a life time. (short term pain-long term gain).  If you were being hit with a stick.  Would you pick ten minutes or a life-time. The pain of emotional unrest can be worse than being hit with a stick.

Most classical Psychotherapists don't do much self-disclosure.  This is done to try to TRANSFER feelings from a past experience onto the Therapist (e.g. anger at an earlier abuser etc., the experience/emotion can then be discussed and worked through.

Gestalt Therapy (Fritz Pearls) use the "empty chair" where the Therapist (becoming the object and target of the anger, as they represent the significant person/persons from the past) sits in the chair or the chair is not occupied.  This can allow the client to express all the pent-up emotions that they are not able to express in the present, in a safe manner and environment.

From another perspective, unless you are honest with your therapist, maybe your Therapist (being human) is sitting there wondering why they can't help this person sitting in front them.
A lot of Therapists have such a need to be able to help others.  Maybe this could be due to their own experiences in the past.
So maybe the Therapist that is sitting in front of you, could have had a horrendous past.  And if you knew (classic Therapists don't go in for self-disclosure), maybe you would decide to hold onto your own problems.

There is nothing wrong with fantasy (use it myself, nuff said ) but fantasy based on what we put on others, puts all parties under pressure.

Sorry for going on, got carried away (one of my issues, and there are plenty of them).

Q:  How many Therapists does it take to change a light bulb

A:  It doesn't matter, the light bulb has to want to change..............

Take Care (Physically, Emotionally and Psychologically)

Pat

[ftrammell]

I am a 25 year old woman who has been seeing a psychotherapist for two years. I feel very close to her and have been honest with her about most things. It's still a little difficult to be open and vulnerable with her because I hate to feel so exposed. Lately, I have been feeling more and more jealous of her, though. She is successful and seems to have such a sweet successful husband and beautiful children. She comes from a well-to-do family and is an attractive 40-something with a nice slim figure. I'm straight and I even have a little crush on her. The jealousy I feel is even to the point where I picture her and her husband making love and it hurts so much. I picture her with her children and her family and it also hurts. I know some of this is transference, but I am too afraid to bring it up. I have been struggling with his for almost a year, especially after I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. (I don't think I'm idealizing her because I realize she is a real person, with issues and flaws like everyone else.)

Why do I feel this way? I've made a lot of progress in therapy. I am still young. I am a grad student. I am not married and don't have children, but I long to meet my husband and have a family. I am a good student, I have a good job and I think I am pretty attractive. However, I am so jealous of my therapist. Please help me. This is torturing me. What is this jealousy due to? How I can make it go away? Is it really necessary to tell her how I feel? It's so embarrassing.

Thank you for your input! 

[/quote

I am a 25 year old woman who has been seeing a psychotherapist for two years. I feel very close to her and have been honest with her about most things. It's still a little difficult to be open and vulnerable with her because I hate to feel so exposed. Lately, I have been feeling more and more jealous of her, though. She is successful and seems to have such a sweet successful husband and beautiful children. She comes from a well-to-do family and is an attractive 40-something with a nice slim figure. I'm straight and I even have a little crush on her. The jealousy I feel is even to the point where I picture her and her husband making love and it hurts so much. I picture her with her children and her family and it also hurts. I know some of this is transference, but I am too afraid to bring it up. I have been struggling with his for almost a year, especially after I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. (I don't think I'm idealizing her because I realize she is a real person, with issues and flaws like everyone else.)

Why do I feel this way? I've made a lot of progress in therapy. I am still young. I am a grad student. I am not married and don't have children, but I long to meet my husband and have a family. I am a good student, I have a good job and I think I am pretty attractive. However, I am so jealous of my therapist. Please help me. This is torturing me. What is this jealousy due to? How I can make it go away? Is it really necessary to tell her how I feel? It's so embarrassing.

Thank you for your input! 

Hello. I am currently 29 years old and not near where I wanted to be in life as far as my career. I have a son and a husband and we our buying our first home, but thats not enough for me. I find myself looking at what others are doing within their careers and know that soon I am going to be doing well myself. It just takes time...at least that is what I am told. So as far as your sitution goes, lets not call it jealousy but a goal that you want to work on. And personally while you don't have kids get started now!