PLEASE HELP! A LITTLE WORD IS A BIG HELP...IM HAVING TROUBLE!

[WildChild]

Good morning reader,

                I am  the wildchild, ... im having trouble about what i feel..i cant sleep at night, last night i dreamed about new faces of people i hardly remember the details but i know that i dreamed it a long time ago.. heres are some little details about me..a long time ago i was 13 y/o me and my friend killed a cat we put the a piece of plywood with nailed metal bottle caps in a cat...after that.we jumped into the plywood with a cat under of it..until the cat worn out its intestine and bloodshed into the ground. after a couple of months. i spent most of my time making a mask with the use of newspapers, crayons, tape and a pentle pen i usually create weird masks..then played with my dog..i loved hearing it ragingly barking at me. the night comes..i saw my kitten playing around the yard. i decidedly get it with my barehands no feelings, throwed the kitten on my dog "which its in the backyard so no one can see me"... after that..i saw my dog hardly bite the kitten..i hear every single sound of my kitten being bitten..i glancely smile little by little and it became to a greedy laugh..i was really enjoyed what ive saw i cant explain the feelings but it really..makes me feel overwhelmingly happy..i loved to cook them..in a frying pan i dunno i just enjoyed it. and. specially setting traps like a bucket of big stones..which can possibly fall on the person will passed by, doin dirty things in drinks of others, i set a rope tied in a tree but under the tree i set a broken bottles,glass and any sharp things and to pursuade other kids to play with me..one of my cousin fell to that trap and he hardly bleed. right now in my present. i always think hows the feeling if i killed a person secretly im curious about the feeling maybe or maybe sometimes it keeps bugging my head, my mind my soul...i almost spend my time in my room. watching,resting...i was a hard drinker . and lightly smoker...but right now.i drink moderately.but the problem is...i have a curious killing intent..i often imagine of what im goin to do or what it feels... please enlighten me..or tellme...is it just my imagination, depression, or i have a mental disorder? or goin to path of bein a psychopath......     (HELP!)                                            

                                                                                                                                                          -WildChild

[Enigma]

You need to seek professional help.

[Ajna]

Well professional help is highly recommended, though i can understand why you may not want to share this information with someone face to face. If you desperately feel the need to speak with someone confidentially without judgment being passed, you may feel free to pm me.

Otherwise, I think it is clear, and you are fully aware that your desires should not be fulfilled in a general sense- if for no moral reason than just for the preservation of yourself, because it will most likely lead to your imprisonment, or being on the ass-end of the revenge of a loved one.
While i dont personally condone this action at all, have you ever considered the military? if you can put up with basic training without killing anyone... you can get paid to get shipped to another country to kill people professionally, assuming your thirst for violence doesnt end in a dishonorable discharge or the killing of an innocent life (whatever innocence means).

You may also want to consider the source of your violent feelings. Is it a fascination with death, or are you sure that your involvement in the death is what interests you? If it is the first and not the latter... you could consider working at a place where you are surrounded with death, like a morgue.

either way, I think you should definitely work on your feelings to the point that you feel comfortable getting put in front  of a trained psychologist that can help you professionally, before you hurt someone or something and cant take it back.

[WildChild]

i see thank you enigma and anja. but i cant go to a face to face conversation like what anja said.... i dont feel comfortable...thats why im asking you guys even a single word a little word..i hope to hear a lot from you guys and other Readers................ .......................... ................................ ................................. ........






                                                                                                                                    -WildChild

[SWM]

hi wild child
what do you think is your main problem?

what would you like to be different?

[Karaten]

Do you mind if I ask your current age?

[WildChild]

im 21 karaten......
SWM my main problem? hmm i dunno im clueless.. i guess theres something wrong..about me...i just wanna know if do i have mental disorder or something wrong the way i think since my childhood until now....i dunno..guys .....i have more bad sexually things..that i did...before..if you need it importantly..i can message you private.. cant tell here..




                                                                                                                  -WildChild

[SWM]

if there was something wrong with you then you would feel like there was a problem. you would be able to say "this is my problem"

it seems to me to be pointless to try to fiind a label or disorder that you can call yourself when the only thing that seems to be happening is you are feeling guilty for some of your past behaviours.

would that be fair to say?


getting back to how you would like to be;

what would you like to change about your life?

what parts of your life would you like to make an improvement?

[WildChild]

i see..thank you swm ill keep that in my mind..and answer it by myself...........

[voodoo scientist]

You need professional, face to face help.

Regardless of the circumstantial factors, this is the reality: Either you want to work this out, and since you're here I assume you do, in which case you have only one tool at your disposal: professional, face to face help. The other possibility is that you don't and are asking for tacit permission, which means you're going to keep on doing whatever it is you do until society reacts in some way no matter what.

Looking at those probabilities, I would start looking at long term survival instead of immediate curiosities - killing another human being, regardless of the moral implications, will lead only to incarceration or death. Satisfying a curiosity is not worth that. Go to a professional counselor, they are legally sworn to silence and will help you so long as you can negate paranoia and force yourself to keep a reasonable level of trust in them, and they can help.

[sagarika]

you have a problem. that can be cured but you have to give the right information about you and your family. i think you have an isolated life which leads you to this stage but it is better to be late than never so immedietly contact a professional i can suggest you a one email your all biography to [email protected]

[nel]

Hi Wildchild,
                   It sounds to me that the feelings and thoughts that you are having at this present time are consuming your life to the point where your confining yourself to your room. What you did in the past seems to be haunting you to the extent that you are having dreams and sleepless nites. Do you find that your thoughts are constantly consumed of killing or do they float in and out of your mind? The worry is that the more you give attention to thoughts in your head the more of a risk that these thoughts may turn into obsessions and complusions wherein the danger lies. The fact your seeking help on this website indicates that you are aware of the consequences of acting on your thoughts and the devastation it would cause to lives especially and more importantly your own. i would suggest and recommend that you seek professional help whilst your still in control of your thoughts. There is nothin to be ashamed of in having those thoughts as we all have thoughts and feelngs of wanting to do things that are morally wrong but we do not act on them, instinctively we know it would be wrong to ever act on those thoughts but they may be lots of different reasons why these thoughts are so present in your mind right now and so by seeking the right professional help you can deal with it now rather than leave it too late. I wish you all the best and god bless you!!

[Billy_27]

In your case, talking in person to a professional counselor will be much more helpful than any help anyone on the internet could give you. Just make sure that you tell him everything honestly.

[Liliflower]

I would definitely advise you to seek professional help. Any person might feel anxiety before they do, but let me tell you something. There is NOTHING you can tell a psychologist that will shock them or that they have not dealt with before. YOu are not the first person to have these feelings, and even though I do agree that it is important for you to seek help...it did not shock me at all reading your forum. What I mean is, with a psychology and criminal justice degree as I am continuing my education, I have heard similar stories. I praise anyone who is man enough to say, look, Im feeling this way and I need help. It might be hard and even to some it might bring feelings of anxiety or embarrassment, but in the end, you are doing YOURSELF a favor by BETTERING your life. I will give you an example of what this might lead for your future. First of all, I do not know if you are married or in a relationship, but your actions can spread across the board. What I mean is, even though you might not kill every person like you do cats, you must think about situations like being in a relationship and what can happen if you get in a really big argument with your girlfriend/wife. It looks like you might have some anger issues and not having much remorse after killing those animals can cause reason for worry. You definitely need to speak with someone, especially because it seems that it is escalating as you get older. I PROMISE you that it would not shock a psychologist to hear this because you are not the first to feel like this. I do not want to say much more because it would be unfair for me to try to conclude anything being that I am not yet a licensed psychologist and that a person would need to speak to you more in depth to conclude any help...but take my advice for your health and personal sake, it is important to speak with someone. If you do not have the financial means, you may go to any spiritual counselor at any church and they will more than likely direct you to an organization. It is confidential so no one will judge you.