ok, so I'm clearly afraid of abandonment...

[gazelle]

I have  emotion regulation problems (partly related to PTSD) and therapy has helped, but it also has been really rough.   I really struggle to handle relationships with therapists.   I'm realizing how much I am afraid of abandonment and how much this plays a role in my life and especially in therapy.

I have no idea what to do about it.

I seem to only get really deeply afraid of people leaving when they are in any kind of "helping" role, especially if they have any power over me or in any relationships that aren’t two ways.  

I have two close friends and a family member who know my struggle to get mental health care.  They are baffled how much I struggle with therapy relationships and not in friendships, family relationships, school, work…

The one exception is that whenever I have struggled in family or friend relationships, it is ONLY when they are also in the "helper" role towards me and the relationship becomes less two way, and more one way... so I really rarely let relationships ever be like that very much.  

It was the worst about two years ago when I had to have surgery and move in the same month.  The idea of asking friends to help me move and to drive me home after surgery made me deeply afraid.  I was nervous upset, hating me... I was a mess.  I did eventually ask friends for help and they were totally there for me.  I’ve grown a lot since then.  In friend and family relationships I can actually have them in a helper role in small ways at times and have it go ok.  I keep good boundaries and the relationships stay ok.  

But therapists?  Even seeing a doctor for medical reasons is hard.  Relationships with Ts are the worst relationships in my life.   When I don’t see a T though, then the rest of my life gets rockier.  

I think it comes down to being afraid of “helpers” with “authority” (for lack of better words).   I’m afraid that I will trust them, they will try to help, and in an effort to help, they will invade and I will come undone and they will leave and hurt me in the process - and because of their "power" they will be able to hurt me even more than a friend or family member.

Therapy works for me when I feel like the therapist is walking along side me.   It seems like 10 minutes of a T being “present” is way more therapeutically helpful for me managing my own emotions well than 10 sessions of telling me techniques.  I do better inside and outside of therapy.  

It just never seems to stay that way for me.  I work hard to keep it there, but the T pushes me to trust and then I do and then they realize I’m more messed up and then they become domineering and then I either draw in or run away and they terminate because I’m even more of a mess than when I started and clearly “the therapy isn’t working anymore…”    

ugh.

I gotta get out of this loop!

any ideas?

I can’t figure out how in the world to reduce the abandonment fears that get triggered in therapy (and life) and handle them better.

[PatrickFitzgerald]

Hi, I have only just joined this site.  I have a lot of issues myself re: feeling rejected, demeaned etc.

I have recently undertaken an Hons. Degree in Psychotherapy.  I have just completed my first year.  The thing that jumps out to me is that a therapist should do with and not too.  Even some of the most entrenched Psychoanalytical/Psychodynamic approaches to therapy are coming around to the idea of The Therapeutic Relationship, where the client is not treated as a helpless participant in the therapeutic process.  From your entry, I would question why your therapist would feel the need to domineer, this would lead me to ask, has the therapist some unresolved issues regarding control and authority themselves.
As I have stated, I am only a novice and have a long way to go before I can or would give advice on this matter.  I hope you can get some help with your problems and hook-up with a therapist who can work with you.
I wasted a lot of my life with similar issues such as yours.  Thank God/Budda/Hari Christna (who ever you believe in) I returned to education and have slowly reached this point in my life, where at least I am aware of my 'Blind Spots' and can start to work on them.

[hortonpilot]

Pat,

 i liked what you said,
"Even some of the most entrenched Psychoanalytical/Psychodynamic approaches to therapy are coming around to the idea of The Therapeutic Relationship, where the client is not treated as a helpless participant in the therapeutic process"

This is a helpful shift in attitude and toward the dignity /esteem of the person concerned. Should never be otherwise/
Social services here in Australia continually treat the client as a victim and the press to conform to this model is huge.
I went through this myself and was desperate , it takes a toll on one's family and is so destructive.

To our friend , relationships based on need are not healthy , it is a trap.
i do not say there are not people who can enhance our lives without some payback, but it is the norm that people expect something and this is how they operate.

Chose an honest relationship with a person who has no ulterior motive and you can make a good start.
Find a person who is at peace with themself and you might find a comfortable relationship?

Horton