love relationship counsel

[z4un2010]

i am a 65 year old man who has fallen in love with a 56 year old woman... we met online and exchanged messages and chatted for several months... when we met face to face about a month ago, we had a perfect day with a day trip and dinner... since then, we have been together a number of times and those were excellent also... we have expressed our love shared to each other, though i felt i had fallen in love, while she says she loves me but is "not ready" for a relationship with a man that is a commitment, that she had not "fallen in love" with me, though she loves me, as i do her, dearly... we both agree that our relationship has been the most intimate and precious as any that we had in our lives... during our times online and together, we shared details of our lives, laughed, cried, and had no bad experiences... when i heard of her long history of being abused, i suggested she begin journaling, which she did immediately... i also suggested she seek professional counseling, and she has begin that journey also... she decided to take a month-long travel trip which would be devoted to her own seeking within and learning to love herself... it has been a week since that began, and we have had some, but not a lot of contact, since this is what she wanted... i immediately freaked at her leaving, and was reminded of my long history of abandonment, rejection, and fear issues and wounds... i immediately did research and have been reading david richo's "human becoming", a free book online which contains excerpts of his books on spiritual psychology and related matters... i was able to deal with and cope with my issues related to her leaving, and have now been at peace and stable with nothing but good moods and thoughts... i am looking for support and suggestions as to how i can continue to grow, and... in particular, how to deal with the possible dissolution of our love relationship, that, up to now, has not had any bad memories or experiences... but my love is seriously taking on difficult wounds and scars from her past... while trying to live in the moment, happy and content... so far, i have avoided any depressions, which had been a serious problem in my own life... how can i make the best of this time, of our relationship while separated, and how do i avoid thinking about the possibility that she may come back to this area and decide that it is better for her to dissolve our love?  i have never experienced a love with a woman like this, we have talked about things which we never could have with any others, and we seem to fit well together... we live in different cities, though within a couple of hours... and my finances do not allow me to take on personal therapy on my va pension... do you have any resources that i might use?  any comments are appreciated!  thx!

[SWM]

hi z4un,

the thing that stands out for me is how quickly things are changing for you and yet that does not seem to be quick enough, like, you need some other outcome, like, now. is this how it feels to you? like there is an urgency to get things moving or to pull things together?
 

[acousticeagle]

Sometimes a new relationship with someone 'takes flight' and soars early. You find you and your love have much in common and are able to empathise easily.

Sometimes this can be confusing because the 'love' one feels is very real - and two 'seeking' hearts have found each other for a brief time. It's interesting that both of you have sought to find healing for inner wounds, and maybe you thought you could get through these things together.

There's need there too, a need for mutual affirmation and for intimacy which love relationships provide. Speaking as a female, we females in middle age can suffer some confusion about men and relationships with them that we are not so sure of. This is because there are lots of men (not saying this is you!) that are seeking a woman to 'look after them' to the end of their days. And a woman her age would not be seeking that, especially one who is self-aware and growing.

Anyway, maybe the relationship took off too intensely and too quickly and she needs to step back - possibly from feelings of being threatened somehow? Don't invalidate what I said about middle aged women being cautious about men. Taking a chance with someone is for much younger people because one has plenty of time to make mistakes, but as one ages one is older and wiser when it comes to relationships. I wish you well on your journey of healing. Oh and don't forget to value the friendships you have, friends are very good 'validators'.